It’s 4:30 a.m. on a Monday morning. I am pulling on my jacket and heading out the door to go with my husband to the bus station, where he’ll ride an express bus to the airport and fly out to the East coast for a week-long work trip. I won’t see him again until Friday. Our pre-dawn embrace at the depot as his bus pulls up is meaningful yet short, full of all the love that words can’t express before coffee and sunrise.
We have repeated this process just about every other week or so for the past several years. My husband’s jobs before then required travel only a few times a year. He has had the opportunity to take on quite a bit more as he has gotten established in his career, doing well with a little and now being entrusted with much. The standards for keeping the home and children back when he was seldom away were different because then I could pretty comfortably rely on simply surviving the time he was gone and having plenty of time to get back to normal once he returned. That is no longer the case. Many things have had to change for me to be able to not only survive the weeks he is gone, but to thrive and become an ever-maturing ezer.
I have much to learn in the art of being a helper to my husband, managing his household and children well while he is gone. But I have discovered that a few changes in perspective and habits has made it much easier to keep the household running smoothly, peacefully, and very efficiently getting back in tune with him when he returns home. Perhaps these lessons will come in handy for others in a similar situation of work travel requirements.
He is still the head, even when he is not present in the home.
It can be tempting to let certain things slide, to manage the way I want to when my husband is gone. Sometimes, laziness feels easier when I’m heartsick and missing him so much that it aches. But self-control and willing, working hands are even more important now. We still need to keep our catechism times, chores, events that require me to go and talk to other people (if you know me, you know that I would much rather stay home than be sociable without my husband – I’m actually the quiet one). Skipping parish group because I’m feeling lonely is not actually helpful. Letting the kids eat a bunch of junk food or allowing the laundry to pile up will not make his absence less poignant. The toilets still need to be cleaned and the floors still need to be vacuumed just as often. We don’t homeschool every other week – there is a great deal to get done regardless of which parents are at home. The goals and rhythms we’ve created for our family over the years have not largely changed. If there are character issues or discipline issues, I have to deal with them consistently, reminding myself and the kids of our authority structure. It was extremely difficult at first to realize that it was up to me to keep continuity, and I fell behind quite a bit at the beginning of this work travel schedule. We have learned to be very specific about the things that he wants to continue when he is gone, being sure to leave margin for me when I truly can’t do everything because it’s not possible without the two of us together. Guidelines about screen times and bedtimes, encouraging ourselves in exercise, attending evening events, finishing school work, healthy meal prep, Bible times, heart conversations with the teens, etc. have kept everyone from falling completely off-track and then dealing with the fallout once my husband is back home, taking precious time out of the week he is here to return to faithfulness. I have learned that giving myself excuses to surrender to the inertia of sadness over missing my husband work against contentment and gratitude. Following his leadership when he isn’t here means that I’m actually a good manager, a trustworthy wife who brings her husband honor.
Save the projects.
I am a very goal-oriented person, and I hate to be unproductive. Another thing I have discovered that encourages me to be a cheerful and effective mother when I am home alone is to save big projects for the weeks my husband will be gone (Note: I have seven children in my home, almost all of whom are teenagers and young adults, so this doesn’t necessarily apply to a mother who has littles or is pregnant or nursing while her husband is travelling for work). This has helped me to be fully present when he is here, and to give myself something to do when he is not. I used to have pressure to get everything done, maintaining a huge to-do list, even using weekend hours when the kids were spending time with Hubby to finish everything. It left me feeling like I had missed out on connection. Now, I know that when I return from my early morning bus drop off, I will have several tasks that require my focus and faithfulness. Everything from homeschool organizing and lesson planning to painting bedrooms to moving furniture or sewing, deep cleaning the kitchen, building my chicken coop, from big batch-cooking sourdough loaves to pressure-canning lentil soup and once-a-month shopping – I put all those things off until the weeks that my husband is gone. I now use our evenings and weekend times of togetherness in an un-rushed way, fully basking in the fellowship and conversations with the family without the feeling that there are several things not getting done. Planning special field trips or fun homeschool things with the kids during the weeks that my husband is on a work trip has also given them something to look forward to as well. We can stroll around a museum or library (or IKEA☺) or have a leisurely lunch with a grandparent. We can spend time baking a special dessert together or going on a fun hike. It isn’t that we never do these things during at-home weeks, but generally moving them to away-from-home weeks has helped me to keep morale higher. I find that the sense of accomplishment with getting a bunch of things done in a week I’m alone relieves the loneliness a great deal.
Simplify what you can.
While it might seem that saving big projects for the weeks my husband is gone makes things more complicated, at the same time I am simplifying routines as much as I can so that I am able to deal with inevitable interruptions. I am not pregnant or nursing, nor do I have toddlers who still need nap times; our homeschool schedule is pretty rigorous, but I am no longer in the season of teaching littles to read (which was extremely time-consuming). If I still were doing any of these things, I would ensure I had fewer big projects on my plate. One thing that continues to help regardless of life season is having meal plans. If I know well ahead of time what dinners we are having (doing my best to loosely plan a month at a time), there are no excuses for running out to grab fast food, though we definitely do this occasionally just for fun. I tend toward simpler fare for the kids and myself, and I will save new or special recipes for the weeks that my husband is here. We lock in with parish group evenings and American Heritage Girls nights even on off weeks. Since my children are older and doing a variety of college classes and working, simple morning and evening routines have been great for keeping us on target. Easy to grab breakfasts and lunches are crucial to getting people out the door on time. Simplicity is even more important for the mom with little ones. She will have to look for chunks of time to deal with household essentials when there aren’t several littles underfoot. We keep the same chore schedules of cleaning and laundry because letting those things go creates terrible overwhelm. I have found that I still have to remind the kids of things they are supposed to be doing, perhaps a bit more when my husband isn’t here, but they know that he will be getting involved even over a Zoom call if attitudes are getting out of line. I follow our homeschool schedule regardless of how my emotions are doing on weeks Hubby is gone. I still have a hard time sleeping alone, even after all this time, but I now know that keeping an early bedtime and rising early helps me settle in more easily over the week. We try to be careful about taking on extras during this season, especially if a large part of the responsibility will fall to me. This means things like hospitality will be planned for times when I know my husband will be at home.
Maintain connection.
Modern technology has been a blessing in this season of work travel. Because my husband is missing daily in-person connection with the kids when he is travelling, we have had to be creative with ensuring they still talk to him regularly. Text messages, phone calls, and video calls (especially for the youngest kids) have been an important part of maintaining connection. I put together a highlight reel (usually in the form of a mini newsletter or Keep Note) for my husband when he is gone so that he is informed on the many goings-on of a family this big with everyone constantly going this way and that. I will take the time to write out funny things that happen, which child in particular needs some encouragement or discipleship, or if there are specific things that I need his guidance on. We have a Waffle account where we can write journal entries to each other and share what we are thinking about, but there is no pressure to do this if his week away is particularly busy. He has multiple Bible plans on YouVersion with our older kids, and that has provided him a place to have one-on-one discussions about Scripture with them that is ongoing. I have found it very helpful to keep a shared electronic checklist file of “Honey Do” items related to the household for him to address when he is back home if at all possible, rather than spend our phone calls during the week talking about those things. We endeavor to have a phone call to pray before bedtime each night, and though this is sometimes difficult depending on time zone difference or if he has late work meetings, it is important for our marriage. Often, situations will arise that require an in-depth conversation with one or more of the kids once Hubby gets back home, but having connected all week means we are picking up where we left off seamlessly. I have actually found that we are more intentional about communication when my husband is travelling because these habits have forced us to really work on our relationships.
Keep a short account
Speaking of working on our relationship, one thing I have learned is that regularly having less time with my husband means there is no time for discord. Keeping a short account, apologizing and repenting right away when an offense has occurred, and generally working to get right back on track when he is back home has helped us to maintain a solid connection without interruption. I’m embarrassed when I think of all the time I used to waste bickering and nagging. Time together was plentiful then and I often used it unwisely, sometimes letting a spirit of disagreement settle into multiple days. Now, I consider often just how much time is a precious gift. I know that if my husband is heading out early on a Monday morning, I need to make sure I walk in patience so that our parting is on the sweetest terms possible. Laughter and lightheartedness have become more cherished to me, and I know that our days apart will be better when I allow those things to permeate our moments together. This doesn’t mean that we never have disagreements or fight about stupid things. There are plenty of difficult situations we find ourselves in as we disciple our children in their young adult years, and the never-ending list of things needing to be fixed or purchased means the tension can be overwhelming at times. But I am learning how important it is to communicate clearly, to not allow emotion to cloud an issue when we don’t have time for anything other than to get to the point, to the heart of things, as quickly as possible so that we can find a resolution in the time we are given. Absence can truly make the heart grow fonder. I find that I appreciate my husband so much more now, especially on those long evenings when I wish I could be holding his hand. The breath of relief I have when I go to pick him up from the bus depot when he returns has profoundly affected my gratitude for him. The deep, safe sleep I have when my protector is back home is truly a gift, one I didn’t even realize I possessed before it wasn’t always with me.
Major on the majors.
Our children are old enough now that we can keep a regular date night each week without having to pay a sitter, and I have found it important to have a few hours of uninterrupted time even if we just stay home in our room or go on a drive or a walk instead of out to dinner. We try to get away for a couple of nights for our anniversary every year. Since the kids are often out working or studying in the evenings, having at least one scheduled family dinner each week has been helpful to keep connection. We try to guard this time so that it occurs at the same expected time each week. Our family Bible study has changed enough that we’re not all together every single time anymore. However, once a week we have a long family worship time that we do our best to guard against non-essential interruptions. Making a habit of being in church together as a family every week has guarded our spiritual fellowship and created what I hope is a lifelong practice for our kids. Maintaining couple time, family togetherness, and faith practice are the foundation for everything else to be built upon.
I have found that the important thing to remember is that I have been equipped by God with the strength to endure and even to bloom in the time my husband has to travel for this particular job. It’s the seasons of discipline that bring the most fruit, and a weaned soul is hardier than a needy one. Oneness of flesh can absolutely be maintained over the distance, and it is only in recent years that I know this experientially. One wonderful aspect of biblical marriage is coming to the realization that my husband’s success is my success. His fruitfulness is my fruitfulness. He is out there providing for us, working hard to show himself to be a faithful steward of the gifts God has given him. Though I am at home tending to these hearth fires, every favor from God that is given to him is given to me as well.
I am reminded of John Donne’s words:
But we by a love so much refined,
That our selves know not what it is,
Inter-assured of the mind,
Care less, eyes, lips, and hands to miss.
Our two souls therefore, which are one,
Though I must go, endure not yet
A breach, but an expansion,
Like gold to airy thinness beat.
