There are six strong-minded women around my table, each of them beautiful, different, and a challenge to me every day in many ways. These are my daughters. They are the women I am molding for the generations that will come after me. Their voices desire to be heard, and they want their opinions to be shared.
They live on the line between forms of godless feminism and godly femininity, navigating the minefield of valid arguments on both sides and yet ever struggling to reconcile them. They want to be understood in the choices they make. Somehow the overwhelming amount of options for them as they move into adulthood almost makes it less likely that they will be valued for who they are intended to be, for whatever they choose will bring criticism and judgment from someone. The call to submission, motherhood, and a life of quiet faithfulness is hardly a glamorous desire in a young girl’s heart. But now that there are so many opportunities NOT to choose this, the stakes are much higher. How does a mother prepare her daughters for being ready to act in each season as it presents itself? Marriage may be a long way off. Motherhood, even further, or potentially not all, depending on what God provides. Submission and living out the true design of femininity? Those words are scandalous. Yet here we are, unable to ignore the fact that my girls are right on the cusp of adulthood, and sitting around our table with our cozy little family devotions is going to be something from their past very soon. Have I prepared them well?
I remember many years ago as a young mother, one of my daughters was relaying an experience to someone I looked up to, someone whose opinion of me mattered a lot. My daughter was not being defiant or rebellious, but the situation she was describing put me in an unfavorable light. I was so embarrassed. I had an overwhelming desire to defend myself, to explain away her uncharitable, childish words as inaccurate or exaggerated. In that very moment, I heard the Father’s heart as He asked me to release into the misunderstanding. To NOT defend myself, but to let it go. It was very difficult, but I have never forgotten that moment. There is a great humility that comes when, as a parent, I am not so committed to others’ image of me that I must explain away my children’s experiences in situations in order to make myself look better. Her perception of her experience was valid, and me trying to shine a more attractive light on the circumstance in order to gain more respect for myself was not. Oh, how many times the Father has allowed me to learn this lesson! To hear my children speak about me, I am an imperfect mother, an imperfect homeschooling educator, someone who deals with sin regularly, almost as if that’s exactly what I am.
Keeping up appearances can be a devastating disease. It outwardly hides hypocrisy, but not from our children, who are watching our every move and listening to every word we say. How many times have I had to stop in my tracks as I listen to the tone of my voice on a phone call with a friend after just being impatient and rude with my children? Social media makes it almost impossible to be truly authentic, though this cliché word is commonly used to describe a movement to be “more real” and let all the ugly parts of our lives’ stories take center stage on these platforms. I like to celebrate the sweet moments, the funny ones, and even the boring-everyday moments. But there are times when I have to look at myself and see that what I put forward isn’t true enough to the inward reality. Have I neglected opportunities to show transparency alongside a desire to let the Holy Spirit continue the work of sanctification in me? Or have I celebrated mud-wallowing? Do I speak honestly even if I risk being misunderstood?
As I look around at the young adult women in my home, my deepest prayer is that they would release their own hearts into the high cost of receiving praise from their heavenly Father, and not from other people. It is quite difficult to realize that these children who know my example so well are watching me all the time, even when I think I’m getting away with angry heart attitudes, complaining, lack of submission, or apathy. How humbling to have to repent to a daughter who is tall enough to look me in the eyes and tell me when I’ve hurt her feelings. How often the desire to defend myself and my choices to these young people who know almost nothing of “real” life yet rises up with a need to explain, persuade, make hard words more pretty. Then add in the very real responsibility that is placed on parents’ shoulders to lead with firm guidance and set standards based on God’s Word despite the fleshliness that still creeps in when I least expect it, and I know with every fiber of my being that this work can ONLY be done in His strength. There is nothing I can offer except my willingness to let Him use me, as imperfect a vessel as I am. What a good Father He is to parent me while He is actively entrusting me to parent the next generation. He works in mysterious ways.
I want to tell all of my children (and remind myself as well) that there are going to be many, many opportunities for them to release into misunderstanding in their lives. I speak not to misunderstandings that require truth to be spoken because they are really damaging in some way, but to the petty ways that we want everyone to look at us with acceptance and rosy hues. The assumptions people make about us, their lack of willingness to dialogue and truly understand where we are coming from, the gossip that flutters from one salacious conversation to the next, and the never-ending list of offenses over little things that we could never get enough emotional energy to answer to because real life is happening every moment – all of these are times to let go and let God be the one who vindicates. He will defend us when we need defending. He will bring us true friends and mentors who desire to truly know us and who will call us out when we need it. He will let our offended hearts suffer for awhile so that He can reveal to us how much more we need to press into His longsuffering nature and repent for the times we have shown a lack of grace toward others. In a word, He will teach us the fear of HIM. And if love covers a multitude of sins, we walk in Yeshua’s footsteps when we let others’ opinions of us fall away as we look to Him to speak our identity to us and choose to view others with true charity.
Hebron Heights Academy 