I might as well be honest — I hardly feel qualified to write a guest blog in response to “How Embracing Patriarchal Marriage Cured My Anxiety.” After many years of “leading” in my complementarian marriage, my expert advice lends itself more towards what not to do than how to do it right. I am awakening from my own stupor as a husband who has been playing the part of the head of my home to the best of my ability, and I count it all the grace of God to be entering this new season of seeing things more clearly.
My wife is incredible. I could spend this entire guest blog telling you why this is true, but if you read her other posts, you already know. To keep it concise, I’ll just say that she is a woman who exemplifies depth, warmth, honesty, and true submission to her Lord and Savior. These virtues came through so clearly in her blog as she expressed with eloquence some honest but very unpopular truths about submission in marriage. Her perspective is unique not just because of her experience growing up but also because of how devoted she is to be “perfect as her Father in heaven is perfect” (Mt. 5:48). I can attest with complete sincerity that my wife’s only desire in writing about these things is that other women would experience the peace and joy of patriarchal marriage.
It’s amazing how provocative the idea of patriarchal marriage is these days. The very mention of it provokes (lit., “calls forth”) a litany of emotions for both husbands and wives. There are a multitude of Christian couples who have been navigating through the woods of matrimony and after decades of following down Complementarian Trail, they realize they might be lost. For both men and women, this is not a pleasant feeling. Men are discovering that what they have been considering to be headship does not meet the biblical standard while at the same time their wives have come to the realization that their submission might not be all that God expects of them. My wife wrote: “What a match we were – a woman terrified of what she thought was patriarchy and “submitting” only as far as she could bear to be led, and a man thinking I was his equal in authority, only embracing complementarianism because it seemed more Scripturally palatable than egalitarianism, which in turn seemed just as icky as patriarchy.” Boy, does the truth hurt (so good). “Enter through the narrow gate; for the gate is wide and the way is broad that leads to destruction, and there are many who enter through it. For the gate is narrow and the way is constricted that leads to life, and there are few who find it” (Mat. 7:13-14). I wanted my wife to be my equal because that’s what I thought I committed to in my marriage vows to her. That is, to love and cherish her ‘til death do us part. Let me explain.
For most of my marriage, I believed that loving my wife meant meeting her needs, even when what she needed was to be in control. As she said so eloquently, “a lack of submission often stems from a place of fear and reveals itself in a need for control.” I knew her past trauma shaped her perspective on men and marriage, and I felt like the most loving thing I could do was to obey Ephesians 5:21, which tells us to “submit ourselves to one another in the fear of Christ”. By not being an overbearing brute and giving her plenty of space to feel safe and respected, I assumed that she would find what she needed to become healed and whole. The problem is that regardless of my motivation, by abdicating my authority as her head, I was stepping outside of God’s order, which only resulted in more disorder in my home. Thankfully, I saw where I needed to change and how to truly love my wife the way she needs me to.
The biggest adjustment at this point is that I am making decisions and owning the consequences, including the fact that it might initially be met with emotion (or sometimes resistance) from my wife. My problem has always been that I allow anger and a lack of tenderness to overshadow the normal and healthy disagreements that arise between two strong and opinionated people. By accepting that I have no choice but to lead my wife and make the hard decisions, it has actually positioned my heart to be more understanding and compassionate towards her as the weaker vessel. At the same time, she is doing a better job of acknowledging this truth to herself and vocalizing it to me, something that stirs up the man in me to step up, step forward, and be who I was created to be.
We’ve got a long way to go, but the journey is getting better and better by the day. It’s exciting to be walking down the right trail, and I can’t wait to see what’s around the next bend in the woods.
Hebron Heights Academy 